Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
