i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
