Nicole vs. Life
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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