He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
