If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
