It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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