Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
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i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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