he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
