I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
