What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I have post one night stand depression
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
