yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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