Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
