You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
