Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
