God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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