i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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