No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
