i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
