In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
