THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
