When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
