First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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