I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
