I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
