well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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