Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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