Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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