haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
