you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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