The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
