He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
