If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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