You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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