update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are a genius and a whore.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
