I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
