just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
