she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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