it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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