where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
