I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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