my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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