I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
