Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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