I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
