No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
