how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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