Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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