Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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