Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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