My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
