Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
