I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
