i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
