i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
