I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
