So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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