I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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