the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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