My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
