then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
