Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
