Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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