so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
