I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am midnight drunk by noon
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
