hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
