Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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