Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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