My hand turned me down
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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