Soap is not a condiment
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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